No longer avoiding the rain

There is something purifying about being closed in, confined within the space of your home, following a day-to-day routine in an effort to move to the next day. The uncertainty of these times is something that none of us expected, nor invited, however, it landed on this planet and took away all the normal that all of us live by, or had lived by until the pandemic hit. We have all heard the words spoken, that we will have to define the ‘new normal’ moving forward. There are people that shout from wherever they feel they can be heard that all we have to do is reopen, as though somehow the act of reopening will put behind all that the world has had to endure for these long months of self-isolation; the lessons that have come out of the pandemic can suddenly be pushed aside, all in the eagerness to embrace what was. But this morning I realized that there is something bigger going on here, something that is going on within each one of us. All we must do is take that first step to acknowledge that during this time of isolation, things have changed in the world, in our world’s, but most importantly, within our own souls.

I do not look at myself the same way that I did in March, although I knew that a change was coming. Deciding to move into semi-retirement came as something that I wanted to embrace, but I knew that as I was working to define my new normal, something within my inner being was also going to need to change. Stepping into a job more suited to my physical abilities was definitely on the table, but of course all of that changed when COVID-19 hit us on the side of the head. The harsh reality that ALL of us were suddenly going to have to examine who we are, at our core, digging deep to bring strengths forward that some of us did not even realize that we had. Moving into areas of creation, contemplation, reflection, planning, coping, grieving, coming to terms with the newness of the world that few of us thought we would ever need to even think about.

These areas that we have all now been faced with have brought many additional emotions to the surface of our being; recognizing truths about ourselves and our families, people we have kept close as friends, people that have betrayed us, hurt us, people we have betrayed, hurt, loved, lost. So many deep emotions coming to the surface at a rate that is sometimes frightening because of the speed with which these emotions can hit us. From all directions, new decisions must be made, compromises have to be put into place, routines have to be altered, lifestyles have to be changed. Any one of these things coupled with the emotions that each would bring, can be staggering if we allow them to bury us in our uncertainty and confusion about what is the next step.

In a way I feel lucky that the pandemic struck when it did, right when I was going to be faced with new decisions about accepting the limitations that MS has placed on me physically and emotionally, and how I was going to continue my livelihood. Trying to find something fulfilling that I could do that wouldn’t zap all of my energy away from me at work, allowing me hardly enough motivation to move forward on those days that I was at home. This was a daunting task I was facing, and one I felt that I would be facing alone, within my own head. But suddenly there was HUGE change happening all over the world as people moved into self-isolation and uncertainty about the future. I was not alone with this dilemma, everyone on earth was facing the same limitations I was, each for their own reasons, each with their unique circumstances; but face them we must, that is not an option any longer. I am not happy that the pandemic happened, only that its arrival made me realize that I was not alone with my fears and apprehensions about the future; everyone was feeling the same way. Somehow this made things easier for me, knowing that I was not alone, that other people were self-examining their lives at the exact same time that I was examining mine. The uncertainty, fear, reflection, planning, coping, grieving; the world is resonating with the vibrations of all earth’s inhabitants contemplating the very same issues I had felt I would be facing alone. 

This is why I haven’t written for a while; I was feeling somehow selfish that I wanted to write about my fears for my future at a time when the entire world was facing the exact same fears. How were my fears any more real than someone else’s fears? How could I work my way through this and still come out with some kind of lesson for myself or wanting to share something I managed to pull out of all this chaos surrounding us all. And then it came to me this morning with such clarity that I almost tripped over my own feet as I scrambled to get to my computer so that I could start writing down my racing thoughts.

If you have never faced a betrayal in your lifetime you may have to indulge with me somewhat. Most of my betrayals I have not written about yet and I don’t feel that now is the time for that, but what I do want you to grasp moving forward is the impact betrayals can have on your life, and the decisions you are faced with as a result of having experienced one. It was because of a workplace betrayal that I came across my most recent job, a job that has allowed me a sense of freedom that I have never experienced in my life. Out of darkness comes light, could not be more fitting for the circumstances that brought me to my thoughts this morning.

I had never worked in an environment where you are required to wear a uniform. My uniform for life prior to this had always been something that I took great pride in. Always wanting to portrait someone put together in a way that spoke of professionalism, pride, self-worth. Not that I was always feeling those things, but I found over the years that if you dress the part, the part comes easier, or so I thought.

My hair has always been an issue, ever since I can remember such a thing. I have had unruly, naturally curly hair my entire life, and I have diligently spent my entire life, attempting to calm the chaotic mess that lives atop my head. There is a saying that most people with curly hair want straight hair (my truth), and people with straight hair want curly hair. Our world has allowed all of us to embrace whatever hairstyle we want now because there is always a product, or a hair appliance that will give you pretty close to what you are longing for; a perm to achieve curls, straighteners to tame the curls, curling irons to achieve the waves. Simply decide what you want to look like, and voilà, you can come close to your visual desires for your hair.

Several years ago, now, my sudden need to search for a new career came out of nowhere and still makes me shake my head in bewilderment. I knew that I wanted something totally different from what I had been doing, and I felt a sense of fulfilment knowing that I had taken my career in teaching from years in the classroom to years in the boardroom, so there was a sense of accomplishment for me. I also knew that I wanted to be more active, so when my daughter suggested that I apply to become a Screening Officer at the Calgary International Airport, I decided, why not.

Being in a roomful of over 100 people, all looking for employment, then realizing that everyone is at least 30-40 years your junior, can be very sobering. At that point, it matters little what you are wearing or what your hair looks like, it is about passing the tests that everyone was facing. Without successfully passing the tests that one day, the next steps would not be possible.

I remember as I began the steps towards employment as a Screening Officer, I was all the time thinking that I did not stand a chance against all of these younger people around me. We were all in a large room and as we worked through the numerous tests, we would be asked to leave the room while the tests were quickly marked. Then we were called back into the large room and only the names of those that had passed were read out. Again, I looked around the room at all the younger people and knew with some sense of certainty, that my name was not going to be called out. So, it was with that thought in my head that I heard someone say, “Linda.” but I did not even look up because I was so sure it could not be me. It was not until the person said my last name that I realized it was me; I had passed the hardest test and would now be moving to the next of several hiring steps.

That did give me a sense of confidence that I probably needed. I did not think for a minute that I had any hope of competing with the job seekers I saw around me that day. Now I watched as the people whose names were not called out gathered their things and made their way out of the room. My new journey had begun.

A few days after the testing and second interview, I received a phone call asking if I wanted to become a Pre-Cert at the airport. This is the position that allows you to work in limited positions on a checkpoint, as you wait for your Federal airport security clearance to come through. It is only a part-time position and you must supply your own black pants and white shirt, but I was in. That was all that mattered to me at the time, I had gotten the job. 

Once my airport security clearance finally came in, I was scheduled into a class along with 7 other people that had successfully passed the initial testing and interviews. Towards the end of the weeks of training is when you are finally issued the uniform of a certified Screening Officer. What an honour I felt this was to achieve, especially coming at a time in my life when I didn’t know which direction I wanted to go in, nor what field of employment I wanted to dedicate my energies. I had found my place.

There is something to be said about the conforming aspects of wearing a uniform. Suddenly you become part of something larger than yourself in such a visual and psychological sense. I actually enjoyed not having to labour over the decision of what to wear, which included accessories, shoes, and as always for me, the dreaded hair style decision.

The old expression “You can’t see the forest for the trees.” I wonder if we could update that expression to, “You don’t see the forest until you come home and share your pictures of the forest on social media”. Suddenly I was part of this huge operation alongside people from all walks of life, all lifestyles, all religions, all ages, and I was actively a part of this! I was quickly invited, along with all the graduates in my class, to join a closed social media group just for Screening Officers at the Calgary Airport. Wow, I was part of something so big and so life changing, and I had come to be a part of this group not by changing how I looked or embracing my unique style of dress but quite the opposite; by the confirming restrictions of a uniform; being dictated exactly what you would be wearing to work alongside all of the other Screening Officers working at the Calgary Airport. What an amazing feeling that was for me.

And then sharing experiences online through our closed social media group, sharing pictures of our adventures and the people in our lives. I could see the forest! I was part of it!  This vast network of people from all over the world that I worked with every day. We worked side-by-side, keeping passengers safe, moving people through the checkpoint, doing our trained positions. Together, all of us shared stories and got to know one another and understand what it means to be part of this amazing planet. Maybe it did not matter that I had curly hair.

Every morning, as I got up in the pre-dawn hours, I would go through the motions of laying out my uniform pieces so that all I had to do after my shower was simply follow the order of the articles of clothing laid out around my bed. I took real comfort in this ritual knowing that I wasn’t going to forget anything, I was going to look professional, and I mentally prepared myself for another day where I was going to be a part of the huge mechanism that kept passengers departing on their way to wherever in the world they were heading that day.

But there was still the issue of my hair… I continued to feel compelled to go through the motions of straightening out my unruly curls because I continued to feel, on some level,  that this was all part of the professional look that I wanted to portray. My hairstyle was an integral part of professionalism in my eyes, and it wasn’t until the pandemic hit and suddenly professionalism wasn’t part of my day-to-day routine anymore, that I finally realized that I had been deluding myself, basically my entire life. 

Why are we SO caught up in a vision of how we ‘think’ we should look, rather than simply embracing how we are? I have unruly, naturally curly hair and fighting to tame it for my entire life suddenly felt so strange and unnecessary to me. But we had to face a pandemic for me to come to this realization? Wow.

That is when I realized that I can’t be the only person that forced isolation has caused to self-reflect, not only on what is important in our lives, but what we may have been hiding about ourselves in our quest to fit-in.

I am surprised that the uniform itself didn’t make me start to see that I had always worried about my hair and how it looked; I was part of a sea of uniformed Screening Officers that populate the Calgary Airport on any given day. Why would a hairstyle change who I really was? But for me, it did make a difference, that is why I went through the motions every day to bring myself to the mental image I have developed over a lifetime, in order for me, in my mind, to achieve the professional look I was always seeking.

I look at this in a totally different way now and see it for what I think in my case it truly was; I was insecure about who I am and how I am perceived by the world around me. But after living through a pandemic that made everyone rethink everything about themselves and those around them, I have finally come to realize that appearance, something that I perceived as so all important, has very little to do with who we actually are. How we interact with the world, our level of giving, the people we surround ourselves with, the values we guide ourselves by, the loyalty we give to others, the love we are willing to share, those truly are the measures of the person we are at our core.

I found my inner peace and acceptance in the most unusual way; embarking on a journey that I never saw coming, moving past the biggest betrayal I have ever faced; standing strong and deciding to move forward, embracing a new career that I would never have imagined possible, learning to love myself for the person that I am. If that is what the pandemic brought to me then I feel blessed in a way that is hard to explain. 

And for those of you that have naturally curly hair and know what a little rain can do to hair that you have painstakingly straightened and shaped to your will; for the first time in my life, I am no longer avoiding the rain.